PRIMEUMATON NEW YEAR'S SPECIAL

 Here is how I create: I don't. My mind is a vast and dark sea hidden under miles of stone and clouded with silt, and sometimes a good idea will appear in the sludge like coins in the washing machine. Is it efficient? No. Is it fruitful? Also no. God help me.

It's been a good year for this blog, and for me. I have money, an amount of adoring fans I can count on my fingers, and the vaguest outline of a setting to start beta-testing. Here's hoping that 2024 is even more productive than this year; there's a lot down the line for COLD SILVER HEAVENS, like a list of the strange and freakish people who call it home, and perhaps some classes if I feel so inclined. Hell, why not classes for other settings? I've always wanted to make something for the Unfinished World, a setting which has driven me mad in pursuit of its many mysteries. The vast marble cathedral of the blogosphere is full of empty spots where I may chisel my name.

Before the year ends, I shall give my readers a gift that is evidently my specialty: collections of strange and amusing things for use in any GLOG-adjacent game.

First up, SWORDS:

ACONITE, a +1 light cinquedea made from lacquered, impossibly sharp hardwood in the shape of a symmetrical seven-fingered hand, with the five clawed fingers forming the blade and the two thumbs acting as the crossguard. For each point of damage it inflicts over five, ACONITE destroys a point of manufactured armor, rusting metal and rotting leather with vile mold. The blade does not speak, but will sing in harmony with screams of pain.

WARM YOUR BONES, a +1 light shank of bronte-stained cherry wood. It once was part of a chair, enchanted so that it would slide under anyone who began to sit down near it; now, it unerringly tries to stab its targets in the ass. Obnoxiously servile in nature, WARM YOUR BONES is unaware that it is no longer a piece of furniture, and will take offense at any suggestion that it's been repurposed as a weapon.

COME UP SINGING, a +2 medium flensing knife of flinty chardun with a long handle carved from a single piece of whalebone, scrimshawed with a great array of fearful deep-ocean fish devouring each other. Vicious and sawtoothed, COME UP SINGING cuts deep, and any blood it spills sheds as much light as an equivalent amount of burning lamp oil for an hour. This sword is about as intelligent as a very mean parrot, and is prone to repeating secrets spoken in its presence.

AND FURTHER ON, a heavy executioner's sword of low-grade ossgold, with chardun inlays in the blade depicting terrifying scenes of the end of the world. Any living thing slain by this blade can be returned to life once, free of any curses, injuries, or illnesses- with a 5-in-6 chance of success. On a 6, the body just explodes into a pile of giblets. AND FURTHER ON mourns the suffering of the world and the cycle of violence, but cheers with joy whenever she makes a body explode.

ACE OF WANDS, a +2 light mambele of pale with a grip made from tightly-wound drake sinew. He is always farther away than he appears due to a strange and constant trick of perspective, and can be used to make melee attacks at a range of up to 20'. Furthermore, ACE OF WANDS has three times the effective throwing range of a typical light weapon; 30', or 60' with a -2 penalty. He constantly mutters under his breath, anticipating and calculating trajectories; nothing satisfies him more than executing a perfect arc right into someone's eye socket.

And, since I just can't resist a good bandwagon, SPELLS.

INVINCIBLE SERVANT

R: 40' T: An unoccupied area large enough to fit a child D: 6 [rounds/minutes/hours/days].

A little man made of indestructible silver appears in the target area and obeys the caster's spoken commands for the spell's duration. It is completely immune to all forms of physical and magical harm, but otherwise automatically fails all Saves. It cannot speak, is comically incompetent at handling weapons, and isn't particularly good at anything; all of its stats are 6+[dice]. At the end of the spell's duration, the Invincible Servant vanishes with a bow, a flash of cold light, and a little slide-whistle noise.

CONJURE YE TERRIBLE STEED

R: 20' T: An unoccupied area large enough to be a horse D: [sum]+[dice] hours.

Under the light of the night sky, spill [dice] HP of hot, fresh blood; before it even hits the ground, the Terrible Steed will appear to catch the blood in its mouth. The Terrible Steed is about as large as a horse, although its appearance varies; it could be a huge Borzoi hound, an unusually lanky alligator, or a Lovecraftian amalgamation of insect and carrion bird. Whatever form it takes, it has AC as leather, 4 HD, a +[dice] bonus to hit, a natural medium weapon, speed as an unremarkable horse, and a fondness for raw meat. It will obey the caster as a well-trained horse would, although it's much more willing to hurt things on their behalf. The Terrible Steed does, however, get one of the following features for each [dice] invested in the spell:

• Speed as a champion racehorse.
• Can fly as fast as it runs.
• AC as plate.
• Natural heavy weapon.
• A natural medium ranged weapon with a range of 30', -2 for each 10' interval beyond that.
• Glamor that makes it look like a normal horse. People with reason to be suspicious of the Terrible Steed can Save to see through it.

When the spell's duration ends, the Terrible Steed vanishes with a childish giggle and a puff of strong incense smoke. If it likes you, it will leave a worthless but amusing trinket where it stood.

SCIJSULLOT'S FLOATING DISK

R: 15'. T: An unoccupied area large enough to fit a 3' diameter floating disk. D: [sum] hours.

A floating steel disk with a sharpened edge, not unlike the blade on a pizza cutter, pops into existence in the target area. This disk can hover, roll, spin, et cetera as the caster desires, but must remain within a 15' radius of them. It can act as a +[dice] shield or attack with a +[dice] to hit for 1D8+[dice] damage, and has [sum] HP and AC as plate. It can even carry things, up to [dice]×100 pounds, but if you use your evil pizza cutter for this you are a massive dweeb.

LUCHTBRAND'S FIREBALL

R: 100'. T: A point with an unobstructed path from the caster. D: Instant.

A worming corkscrew of heat-haze emanates from the caster's pointed finger towards the target point. On impact, it flares outwards into a [dice]×5' radius sphere of silent, invisible fire. This inflicts [sum] damage to anybody caught in the target area, with damage halved on a successful Save, and will most likely ignite wood, cloth, and other flammable objects. Being burnt alive is already upsetting, so watching your skin blister and your clothes char from a seemingly sourceless heat is likely to elicit Morale rolls.

DE JONG'S MAGIC MISSILE

R: 200'. T: Up to [dice] creatures. D: Instant.

[Dice] spectral blades issue forth from between the caster's fingers, swinging at the target's as if wielded by invisible fighting-men. Each inflicts damage equal to the face of their respective [die], and on sixes, the target must Save or have their head severed with a horrific tearing of flesh and a spray of blood. The sixes don't stack; a target unfortunate enough to eat four sixes of damage would still only need to Save once. Armor also affords some protection; for each point of AC they have over 12, the target gets a +1 bonus to the Save.

See you next year, freaks. I give my thanks to all my friends, who have been so gracious as to put up with this poor young fool, and the greater writers who have given me the wisdom to take up the pen myself; I hope that I will one day be a giant on whose shoulders other people shall stand. Disco inferno.